How Holding a Grudge Hurts Your Health

LET GO OF YOUR GRUDGE

How Holding a Grudge Hurts Your Health

And 5 ways to move on

BY EMILY MITCHELL, IMAGE FROM THINKSTOCK, TODAY

When you’ve been 

wronged, the last thing that comes to mind is forgiveness. Why pardon someone who just screwed you over at work, embarrassed you, or even caused you a financial loss? In addition, such a situation leaves you with resentment, anger, bitterness, or feelings of vengeance.

And don't forget embarrassment. Nobody wants to look like a chump when he's been wronged. “If you forgive, men think they let the other guy get away with it,” says Thomas Plante, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Santa Clara University. “Men think they need to retaliate, save face, and appear strong—get even, usually violently.”

But holding onto these feelings has been proven to hurt physical and psychological health. “Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to be hurt by it,” says Mark Goulston, M.D., author of Just Listen. So what should you do? Read on to find out why and how you should let go of your grudges.

What a Grudge Does to You

It ages you. The anger, frustration, and sadness can take away your youth, thanks to an increase in the stress hormone cortisol. An increase in cortisol has been shown to shorten telomeres, located on the tips of your DNA chromosomes and linked to biological aging. However, a 2011 study from the journal Biological Psychology found that forgiveness reduced cortisol response. When people in the study perceived their transgressor as being more agreeable—i.e. more willing to seek forgiveness—they reported lower cortisol response.  

It hurts your heart. A study from Emory University found that angry, bitter people have higher blood pressure and heart rate and are more likely to die from heart disease. Experiencing negative emotions instinctively prepares your body to fight, says Goulston, which increases blood pressure. But a prolonged state of “fight” also leads to higher levels of C-reactive protein in the bloodstream, which promotes cardiovascular disease and stroke, according to a Duke University study.  

It beats up your body. In his book Self-Regulation of Bitterness Across Lifespan, author Carsten Wrosch found that bitterness can affect metabolism, immune response, and organ function. Prolonged resentment has even created a new term called post-traumatic embitterment disorder (PTED), a feeling of injustice and disturbing memories that can cause depression, anxiety, and rage. A study from the International Journal of Psychophysiology found that forgiveness was associated with the use of fewer medications and less alcohol, as well as lower blood pressure and heart rate.

It hurts other relationships. One danger is that a grudge can have a spillover effect, and become associated with others—like your wife or your children—beyond the target of your grudge. “There is an unintended consequence of losing your social support system. It will start to melt away,” says Plante. Nobody wants to be around a bitter, negative person, either. Men have a harder time forgiving than women do, according to a study from Case Western University. The study found men to be more vengeful, most likely because women are taught at a young age to be more empathetic than men.

How to Forgive

Let go. The first step is letting go of anger. “It isn’t a way of condoning the wrong against you—but it is does mean giving up the right to be angry and strike back,” says Goulston. You’re allowed to recognize that you deserved better treatment, but you also have to let go of the negative emotions held toward the offender, says Plante.

Do it for you. Remember forgiveness is not for the other person, but for you and your health, says Plante. For example, if someone at work steals your idea, you are going to have to interact or deal with that person again—even though you’d prefer to be rid of them. A conscious act of forgiveness can let you move on and do your job. Think of it as being one-sided. “You are not engaging in forgiveness to do them a favor, but to do one for yourself,” says Plante.

Forgiving isn’t reconciling. The fact that your girlfriend cheated on you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiving her  will lessen the sting over time. “It doesn’t mean you’re giving a second chance to someone who hurt you,” says Goulston. Forgiveness doesn’t deny, minimize, or justify the wrong. But will help you attain peace and freedom in the long run.

Reverse the role. Look at it from another angle—when was a time you needed to be forgiven? “Think about the effect it has on you when they let go of a grudge,” says Goulston. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. They most likely don’t want this kind of relationship with you either.

Approach them. Sometimes you just have to step up and confront somebody who wronged you. “You need to be ready for a response that you might not want to hear or hope to receive,” says Plante. When you talk to the offender, keep the focus on you. Plante suggests saying something like, “You may have a different point of view. I just want you to know that what you did hurt me.” Then let them know that even if they don’t agree, you had to do this for your own peace of mind on the situation.